


dear donghyuck

by cloudruniere



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Angst, Attack on Titan AU, M/M, also this is my first fic in years and its death death death anGST, angst with happy ending, mark is full of feelings and he's really in love with donghyuck, minor character death in beginning, minor noren, only the beginning letter is in first person no worries, sorry for inaccuracies, sorry jaehyun (not a spoiler), speaking of which, theyreboth just vvvvvv in love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-03
Updated: 2018-06-03
Packaged: 2019-05-17 12:27:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,458
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14832254
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cloudruniere/pseuds/cloudruniere
Summary: Mark wasn’t sure how to measure the days between when his heart first broke and when his heart began beating again."Promise me another thing, Donghyuck...do not die."





	dear donghyuck

**Author's Note:**

> dedicated to bootleg gc who inspired me to write again, y'all are the truest

Dear Donghyuck,

If you told me that you wanted to grow taller than Yukhei, I would laugh and ruffle your hair, teasing you about a wish that is too far away to achieve. But I'd feel bad about making you sad and I know you would glare or pout, but when either happens, I would feel the urge to lean down and kiss away your frown because I don't like not seeing you smile.

If you told me that you wanted to become a scholar, I would laugh. I would laugh, and I’d cry from laughing so hard for so long. When was the last time you read a book? You’d taunt me for teasing you, for laughing in your face. You’d get back at me in some way. You’d embarrass me in front of the entire town. But, me being a fool of myself in front of you never fails to brighten your spirit. In the end, I wouldn't care what you became so long as I can still call you mine.

If you said we couldn't be together; if you said you didn't love me; if you said no last year to my desperate plea for you to accept my love; I would break down, stare ahead at a future without your warmth beside me. I would pray this be worst pain I would ever have in my life, that anything else compared to this would seem minuscule, trivial, unworthy of a single tear.

When you told me, legitimately sat me down on a chair in our house in Wall Rose and told me you were joining the army… well, could you blame me for not believing you? Since when did you ever even think of this? Where were your dreams of living a simple life with me - baking bread, keeping each other warm when wood was scarce and winters were rough? Imagining you with the Survey Corp, or with the Military Police, working behind the scenes to protect the king… just trying to imagine it is impossible.

Hundreds of people die everyday, ever since the fall of Shinganshina, the Titans have been merciless and we can barely survive together... how can I survive on my own once you leave?

I know it must not have been easy deciding this, how much thought you put in because I know that's how you are. Strategic, cut throat, willing to traverse all emotions and abide natural instincts to think clearly and on your feet because that's how you survive outside these walls. I know you know because I know these things too. I only recall our moments of awe watching the green caped soldiers stagger away on their high horses for battle now, after you left me behind to sort out my thoughts and filter my words.

I was never good at telling you exactly how I feel, even Jaehyun, my best friend, never knew how much he meant to me until I screamed once the Titan got to him before he reached the boats. He knew I suppose, because even if I am bad at saying it, my face betrays all my poorly wrung words. But, I hope this letter does something, and that is to say: I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for not having the courage to say I'll fight with you in this war. I am too much of a weakling to willingly put myself up to be killed, not caring if it's a mere stranger I'm risking my life for because there's only one person I'm capable of giving my life to.

I'm sorry for not stopping you once I found out, my discovery only the day before you headed off to training. How were you able to keep it a secret so long, that I will never know and am disappointed to revel in that I am too scared to ask (how long was I dumb to believe things were perfectly fine).

I'm sorry you were not able to hear my voice whispering a heartfelt goodbye as I held you close, very much intent on never letting go, the necessary tears and excessive kisses I would have given you before you walk away. Other families had done it surely, but our story seems destined to be much sadder.

Promise me that you'll return, limbs intact and lips as kissable as before.

Promise me that when you return- not if, when- you will stay.

Promise me another thing, Donghyuck...do not die.

With Love,  
Mark.

 

\---

 

Mark wasn’t sure how to measure the days between when his heart first broke and when his heart began beating again.

How many mornings did he look out the window and see people walk anxiously, heads either bowed to stare at the ground or to stare at the tall walls guarding them inside. His hand would cup the mug in his hand, steaming and nearly burning the tips of his fingers but paid no mind as he thought he saw a familiar head of dark hair near Mrs. Choi’s house. Mark reminisced when him and Donghyuck would head to her house, to share a few cups of tea and trade bread or other supplies. That was over a year ago, a day of normalcy would have them stop in the afternoons after a delicious lunch freshly made, then they would have made their way back home to do anything else they wanted, didn’t matter so long as it was together.

The first days after he left, his hands were numb, from writing that dumb letter that Donghyuck probably never got anyway or angrily wiping away tears from his face. His body refused to move from bed. He could burrow himself into the cotton sheets he refused to clean, just so it would still smell like Donghyuck and it wouldn’t have been like he had left at all.

How many days, how many nights, how many things have passed outside, how many things have happened he had no knowledge about just because there was that line of secrecy forbidden to cross between citizens and the squads. Mark wondered how he knew what day it was, despite occasional visits from friends reminding him. All he could measure was that he felt empty for too long and his legs ached as he waited everyday by the window above the sink, eyes careful to watch bodies pass and alert to see Donghyuck come back alive.

Dinners he’s missed with his love, rain dripping down wooden houses and batting against fragile windows without the look of adoration for the wet weather Donghyuck would get when it happened for which Mark would pull him back inside and usher him to a seat where they could watch the rain beat together as they kept close, watching and feeling and inhaling and hearts beating with each other.

Bread he’s slowly ate, birds he’s solemnly listened to, and sun he’s barely felt. How is he living, how has a year gone by without shriveling up into nothing. It’s worse hoping for good news than simply waiting for the worst. Mark didn’t even know what he was dreading, didn’t know what kept him going other than wanting to just know.

The autumn when he left has come back again and Mark stretches his sleeves, pulling an edge between jittery hands, a nervous habit that’s made his sleeves distinctly longer than usual. A word from a friend, who heard from another, who heard the past few days ago and came back...Mark wondered how credible news from a farmer on the sides was when it was as important as this. They were coming back. From that excursion, that trip, that dreadful to think of journey that needed so many people to accomplish that apparently would last a year. Back. Donghyuck was coming back.

Mark had heaved, his heart grew heavy, his stomach flipped and heart felt like it was being twisted. Bells. Mark nearly dropped the cup in his hand. Were those bells? His ears perked up and tried to decipher the distinct noises coming from the south side. Bells, no, birds, maybe but more heavy, more solid, more like hooves beating against dry ground that hadn’t seen rain in a year. Mark remembered the drought.

Horses. Mark ran, flung the front door open and whipped his head to see if Jeno had heard it too. True as he guessed, his neighbour appeared quickly in front of his house, eyes wide in surprise and mouth opening and closing, a clear example of disbelief.

Mark couldn’t help but crack the tiniest of smiles. “They’re back.”

That tore Jeno’s eyes away from the direction of the entrance, nodding vigorously, eyes turning glassy and feet prepping for a sprint.

They were giddy for the best and nauseous for the worst, but that didn’t slow down their feet, pushing past others who were as excited and scared.

So many people gathered, dirty from abandoned work for momentary distraction and majority no doubt would return to painful labor with pains in their hearts. Mark hoped that he would have someone to come home with. His hand was tightly wrapped around his friend’s wrist and Jeno gave Mark a reassuring squeeze. Mark returned it when the doors opened and tall horses appeared, all carrying battered soldiers.

Mark felt his breath fasten as the line trotted past him, faces familiar but so different but he knew what people said once you’ve been outside the walls: you’ll never be the same.

Mark felt his shirt get tugged.

“Do you see Renjun?” Jeno asked, worry present in the creases of his forehead.

Mark shook his head. He really didn’t.

“Do you see Donghyuck?”

Jeno shook his head and Mark viciously pulled his hand away, opting to get closer to the front. Donghyuck was short- “Mark!”- maybe he just couldn’t see him- “Mark!”- maybe he was just in the back- “Mark!”- maybe he was dead.

An elbow knocked him over, making him stagger backwards and further down the chaotic group. Mark cursed and cradled his throbbing head, giving up in getting a better view and let his lean body get tousled back and forth, left and right until he was even farther back the pit than before.

He lost sight of Jeno as well and wondered if he was officially informed yet, if a commander told him the news, or if Renjun snuck up on him and surprised him.

Mark was lenient, body jerked by others without permission and didn’t bother holding his head up, only waiting for the crowd to disperse. He wondered if he was used to letting time fly without care since it was night when he could finally move and turn his head around, buzzing from the effects of being around so many loud people after surrounding himself in silence for so long.

His feet automatically move to their (is it only his yet?) house and paused halfway towards the door, eyes catching shaking shoulders and broken sobs. Mark felt his mouth go dry.

“Jeno?” he called, taking thoughtful steps closer to the home next door. “Jeno?”

A loud wail and Mark made a quick jog to the side, body heaving in dreaded anticipation which grew light until a small smile grew on his face, a fondness directed towards his friends that were united. Mark backed away, knowing Jeno was in good hands, his husband’s arms securely wrapped around him and Jeno bawling into a steady shoulder with Renjun’s hands making calming circling on his back. 

Mark was happy. At least for them.

His moment of joy seeing someone who went away come back soon dwindled away into the cold night wind and his fear returned to settle into its home as he made his way back to his own.

One, two, three, four, steps and Mark paused, seeing the front door open and tried to remember if in the courses of excitement pumping him to rush to the entrance... did he forget to close it? He shook his head. He couldn’t have, which meant that someone, Mark gasped in realization, was home.

Mark stepped inside, noticing a candle lit in the living room and a chair tilted to the side by the dining table. Frantic and eager, Mark ran throughout the house. It was small and there was nowhere to hide, and no Donghyuck found. Mark let his eyes trail to the only door closed.

The floorboard creaked beneath him and Mark wanted so badly to just bust through the door, to appease his heart that thrummed loudly in his chest but he didn’t want to rush the possible anguish. The door knob was cold in his hand, Mark grasped it steadily but his other arm was shaking as was the rest of his body. His head dipped inside as the door swung open, darkness saying hello as his ears trained on a small sound breaking the deathly silence.

Mark walked forward and reached across to meet warm skin, hand finding a wet cheek and a gasp that accompanied the touch.

“Mark?”

He melted once the voice spoke and Mark did collapse, his knees dropping to the floor and entire torso falling on the person sitting on the edge of their bed. Donghyuck was quick enough to catch the body entirely splayed on top his own, his arms instinctively wrapping around Mark, his sobs caught in his throat.

“I thought- I thought-”

Mark could barely decipher what Donghyuck was trying to say but he honestly he wasn’t listening, too busy dragging his hands down Donghyuck’s back, pushing the body closer and closer and burying his head between his neck and shoulder, tears falling and dampening all surfaces.

He placed a kiss on Donghyuck’s neck, trailing them along the column until he reached his cheek then backing away, hands held on both sides of his face and stifling the next set of sobs in favor of watching Donghyuck let loose his own. Quiet, small tears dripping down his face and nose, head down but now raised and hand raising to tug on Mark’s shirt, pulling them together.

“I thought you left, I thought- you weren’t here- I thought you gave up- I thought-”

Mark shushed Donghyuck and stole a kiss, laughing when Donghyuck’s rambling stopped after he leaned back and they both looked at each other, eyes running along all the other’s face before resuming their warm touches. Mark sighed, feeling Donghyuck eagerly pushing against him and bringing him down onto their bed.

Dark clouds gathered outside and their garden welcomed the rain as Mark put a hand to his chest, Donghyuck's scarred skin cold against the heat of his chest but solid and there. He measured the first day his love was back in his arms.

**Author's Note:**

> my twitter @babyIeIe if you want to yell at me


End file.
